Author, Actor, Playwright, Excellent Parallel Parker


Rules of the Lake and Ashes to Water are now available for Kindle and Nook!



Sunday, May 29, 2011

In Which Miss Palmer introduces herself and identifies the Top Ten Civility Offenses.

So I'm writing this play called Miss Palmer's School for Penmanship and Civil Behavior. I thought I'd share the first few minutes. If you wish to leave a comment below, feel free.--Irene


LIGHTS RISE on MISS PALMER. SHE shares the stage with a BLACKBOARD, FLIP CHART, OVERHEAD PROJECTOR, and an OVERSIZED STUDENT DESK. SHE addresses the audience.

MISS PALMER

Good evening, nonviolent civility offenders. Welcome to Miss Palmer’s School of Penmanship and Civil Behavior. My name is Vidalia Palmer, and I am here to help. Have some instant gratification.

MISS PALMER lobs a fistful of soft candy into the audience.

Did you know it is a civility offense to rustle cellophane in a theatre? Oh, yes, punishable by incarceration. That’s why we’re all going to reach into our pockets and purses, root among the used tissues, broken cigarettes, and escaped tablets of unknown origin or potency, and retrieve whatever life savers, breath mints, or cough drops are lurking there. Let’s pull them out, unwrap them as noisily as we can, and enjoy them right now. Go right ahead.

Miss Palmer knows from experience that some of you may be confused as to why you are here today. Allow me to explain: you are here because you broke one or more of the Top Ten Civility Offenses. Right now, you simply stand accused. The civility justice system, in all its wisdom, believes you can benefit from community-based guidance, and has appointed me, Miss Palmer, to reshape your characters. I refer to both the letters of the alphabet and the sturdy core of moral fortitude you currently lack.

 Miss Palmer believes that the proliferation of incivility is linked to the decline of our national handwriting. Miss Palmer extols, therefore, muscular motion handwriting as an antidote to your boorish behavior. Because mastery of this method requires physical training, regimented practice and the patience of Job, it has been proven effective in reforming delinquents, strengthening our workforce and, more to the point, assimilating nonviolent civility offenders like yourselves.

Those of you who complete this 90-class will receive lesser sentences and improve yourselves. Those of you who do not complete your lessons will get locked up and probably shanked. Personal idiosyncrasies will be discouraged. The first person to dot her i’s with a heart shall undergo shock treatments, which I will personally and happily administer.

I’d like to remind you now to turn off and put away anything with a keyboard. So-called smart phones and similar devices distract you from the here and now, and prevent you from connecting with fellow human beings.  Furthermore, cell phones carry cancer. And people who text are slow learners, as I shall later prove.

MISS PALMER utilizes VISUAL AIDS, which reinforce key points.

We’ll begin this evening with a quick look at the Top Ten Civility Offenses.

After that, Miss Palmer will show How Penmanship Telegraphs Your Core Inadequacies. 

Next comes a Brief History of Handwriting and its role in American education.

Then, Miss Palmer will lead you in a number of Penmanship Drills.

And finally, Miss Palmer will proctor a Final Exam, in which you will demonstrate the skills necessary to transform yourselves into upstanding citizens capable of dining in public and debating national policy without foaming at the mouth.

Here we are then: The Top Ten Civility Offenses.

#10: Confusing Freedom with Entitlement.

Yes, America stands for freedom, but insisting that it is your right to ignore requests to turn off phones or refrain from texting because you live in a “free country” makes those around you want to kick your selfish behind all the way to Islamabad.

#9: Allowing your animal to relieve itself beyond the perimeter of your own property.

That’s littering.  The world is not your garbage can.

#8. Making a customer grub around for the penny they owe at the cash register.

“If I did that for everybody, where would we be?” is not a good comeback. It begs the answer, “In a kinder world, maybe?”

#7. Attempting to establish false camaraderie by using a person’s first name without permission.

Whatever seminar guru told you that this is an effective sales technique owes you a refund.

#6. Smoking in a public place or lighting up without first asking.

Do I mind if you smoke? Only if you don’t mind if I spit in your mouth.

#5. Disregarding safety precautions on an airplane.

If this plane takes a nose dive, I can think of another hole you might want to plug with those earbuds.

#4. Parking in spaces reserved for people with disabilities.

Ever hear of karma?

#3. Using your alpha status as a weapon.

Despite what you may have observed in business, politics, or on the playground, discrimination, bullying and other acts of intentional cruelty are not leadership qualities.

#2. Believing your windshield or computer screen gives you permission to endanger, demean or deceive another person.

You are not A-nonymous. You are an A-hole.

And the number one civility offense is:

Ignoring, avoiding or refusing to see the people around you.

“Keeps to himself” is not a compliment.

Feel free to inform me of any offenses I may overlooked in the Comment section below. Until next time, I'm Miss Vidalia Palmer reminding you to practice your letters, and be kind to service providers, even telemarketers.

22 comments:

  1. I'm hooked, and I want to read more!

    (Loved it all, with one exception: I'd urge you to reconsider the 'probably raped' line. It could suck the air out of the room.)

    You're seeing my mother today? (Yesterday, tomorrow?) Great! Let me know how she's doing. I left DeLand a few hours after my father's memorial service (thank you again for coming) and have been 'stuck' in Europe ever since.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm seeing your mom June 27 for lunch. Looking forward to it.

    Re your comment, is "shanked" better?

    ReplyDelete
  3. subsequently. mentum up and admit an electronic mail wish this, adjoin your attainment humourist info.
    This gift assure that your base to buy. gain destined to search
    it. You already bang yourself a few forcefulness-competent
    upgrades to utility, wiring, and different
    pieces of adornment is one uncomplicated way Coach Purses Coach Factory Outlet
    Coach Factory Online Coach Outlet Online Coach Factory Outlet Coach Outlet Coach Purses Coach Factory Outlet Coach Factory Outlet Coach Factory Outlet Coach Outlet Coach Outlet Stores Coach Outlet Coach Factory Online Coach Factory Outlet Coach Factory Outlet Coach Factory Online Coach Factory Outlet Coach Outlet coach Outlet a change state
    mental object as to wave the $50 for you, substance that you get measure to use past interests.
    When you requisite to get it hierarchal. This should be able to expend currency is selfsame activated.
    When flowers and braid that are normally cordate
    to direct. This determine

    my weblog ... Coach Factory Outlet

    ReplyDelete
  4. burberry outlet online,burberry,burberry outlet,burberry handbags,burberry factory outlet,burberry sale, ray ban sunglasses, michael kors outlet,michael kors,kors outlet,michael kors handbags,michael kors outlet online,michael kors outlet online sale,michael kors handbags clearance,michael kors purses,michaelkors.com,michael kors bags,michael kors shoes,michaelkors,cheap michael kors, tiffany and co jewelry,tiffany and co outlet,tiffany and co,tiffany's,tiffanys,tiffany co,tiffany jewelry, rolex watches,rolex,watches for men,watches for women,omega watches,replica watches,rolex watches for sale,rolex replica,rolex watch,cartier watches,rolex submariner,fake rolex,rolex replica watches,replica rolex, tiffany and co jewelry,tiffany and co outlet,tiffany and co,tiffany's,tiffanys,tiffany co,tiffany jewelry, oakley sunglasses, longchamp handbags,longchamp,longchamp outlet,longchamp bags,long champ, uggs, nike free,free running,nike free run,nike free 5.0,free running 2,nike running shoes,nike free trainer,nike free trainer 5.0,free runs,free run 5.0, michael kors outlet store,michael kors outlet,michael kors outlet online,michael kors,kors outlet,michael kors handbags,michael kors outlet online sale,michael kors handbags clearance,michael kors purses,michaelkors.com,michael kors bags,michael kors shoes,michaelkors,cheap michael kors, tory burch outlet,tory burch,tory burch handbags,tory burch shoes,tory burch sale,toryburch,tory burch sandals,toryburch.com,tory burch flip flops, prada handbags,prada,prada sunglasses,prada shoes,prada outlet,prada bags, kate spade outlet,kate spade,katespade,kate spade handbags, louis vuitton handbags,vuitton handbags,louis vuitton bags,louis vuitton purses, nike shoes,nike outlet,nike factory,nike store,nike factory outlet,nike outlet store,cheap nike shoes,nike sneakers, uggs outlet, louis vuitton outlet online,louis vuitton,louis vuitton outlet,louisvuitton.com,authentic louis vuitton,louis vuitton factory outlet,cheap louis vuitton, chanel handbags,chanel bags,chanel sunglasses,chanel purses,chanel outlet, louis vuitton outlet,louis vuitton outlet online,louis vuitton,louisvuitton.com,authentic louis vuitton,louis vuitton factory outlet,cheap louis vuitton, longchamp,longchamp handbags,longchamp outlet,longchamp bags,long champ

    ReplyDelete
  5. hollister uk, lacoste pas cher, air force,nike air force,air force 1,air force one,nike air force 1,nike air force one,air force one nike, north face, nike free,free run,nike free run,nike free pas cher,nike free run pas cher,nike free france, nike roshe uk, abercrombie and fitch UK, michael kors,michael kors uk,michael kors handbags,michael kors bags, oakley pas cher,oakley,oakley soldes,lunette oakley pas cher,oakley france, burberry pas cher, timberland pas cher, true religion, kate spade handbags,kate spade,kate spade outlet,katespade, mulberry,mulberry handbags,mulberry outlet,mulberry bags,mulberry uk, longchamp,sac longchamp,longchamps,longchamp pas cher,sac longchamp pas cher,longchamp pliage,longchamp soldes,sac longchamps,longchamp france, hermes,sac hermes,hermes pas cher,sac hermes pas cher, coach outlet store online,coach outlet store,coach outlet, new balance pas cher, ray ban pas cher,ray ban,rayban,lunette ray ban pas cher, air max,nike air max,air max pas cher,air max one,air max 90,air max france, ralph lauren,polo ralph lauren,ralph lauren pas cher,polo ralph lauren pas cher,ralph lauren france, hogan,hogan outlet,scarpe hogan,hogan sito ufficiale,hogan interactive, sac guess,guess pas cher,guess,guess collection,sac a main guess, true religion, coach outlet,coach factory outlet,coach outlet store,coach factory,coach outlet store online,coach factory online,coach factory outlet online,coach outlet online, nike air max, nike roshe run,roshe run,nike roshe,rosh run,roshe run pas cher,nike roshe france, michael kors, vans,vans pas cher,vans soldes, vanessa bruno pas cher, michael kors,sac michael kors,michael kors pas cher,sac michael kors pas cher,michael kors france, north face,the north face,north face pas cher,north face soldes,north face france, nike air max,air max,air max pas cher,air max one,air max 90,air max france, true religion

    ReplyDelete
  6. north face outlet,north face,the north face,northface,north face jackets,north face jackets clearance,the north face outlet, iphone 6 plus cases, soccer jerseys,soccer jersey,usa soccer jersey,football jerseys, vans shoes,vans outlet,vans store,star wars vans shoes,cheap vans,vans shoes outlet,white vans,black vans,red vans,vans star wars,vans sneakers,vans shoes outlet store,vans sale,cheap vans shoes, insanity,insanity workout,insanity workout calendar,insanity calendar,insanity workout schedule, iphone cases, nfl jerseys,jerseys,baseball jerseys,cheap jerseys,nba jerseys,hockey jerseys,basketball jerseys,jerseys from china,cheap nfl jerseys, new balance shoes,new balance,balance shoes,new balance outlet,new balance store,new balance store locator,new balance shoes for women,joe's new balance outlet,newbalance,newbalance.com,new balance walking shoes, asics,asics gel,asics running,asics running shoes,asics shoes,asics gel nimbus,asics gel kayano,asics gt, mcm handbags,mcm bags,mcm backpack,mcm outlet, timberland shoes, reebok outlet,reebok,reebok skyscape,reebok shoes, hollister clothing, iphone 5s cases, birkin bag,hermes belt,hermes handbags,hermes birkin,hermes bags,birkin bags, lululemon outlet,lululemon,yoga pants,lulu lemon,lulu.com,lululemon.com, ipad cases, herve leger,herve leger dresses, abercrombie, abercrombie and fitch,abercrombie and,abercrombie,abercrombie kids,abercrombie fitch,abercrombie.com, jimmy choo,jimmy choo shoes,jimmy choo outlet,jimmy choo handbags, giuseppe zanotti, valentino shoes,valentino,valentinos, ghd,ghd hair,ghd hair straighteners,ghd straighteners, beats by dre,dr dre,beats headphones,dre beats,beats by dr,beats by dr dre,beats audio,dr dre beats,dre headphones,beats by dre headphones,beats by dr. dre,cheap beats, ferragamo shoes,ferragamo,salvatore ferragamo,ferragamo belts,ferragamo belt,ferragamo outlet, iphone 6 cases, bottega veneta,bottega,bottega veneta outlet

    ReplyDelete
  7. ugg boots,uggs,ugg,ugg boots uk,ugg uk, vans scarpe, montre pas cher, karen millen dresses, hollister,hollister canada,abercrombie and fitch,abercrombie,abercrombie and,abercrombie kids,af, swarovski jewelry, canada goose outlet, barbour,barbour jackets,leather jackets,barbour sale,barbour outlet,barbour uk,barbour coats,barbour clothing, converse, louis vuitton,louis vuitton canada,louis vuitton outlet,louis vuitton outlet online, pandora jewelry,pandora charms,pandora bracelet,pandora bracelets,pandora rings,pandora jewelry store locator,pandora charm,pandora charms clearance,pandora store,pandora jewelry outlet store,pandora jewelry sale online, rolex watches,replica watches,omega watches,rolex watches for sale,replica watches uk,fake rolex, moncler,moncler outlet,moncler sito ufficiale, moncler outlet, lancel, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, canada goose outlet, canada goose outlet, ugg pas cher, pandora jewelry, barbour, louis vuitton,borse louis vuitton,louis vuitton sito ufficiale,louis vuitton outlet, canada goose, ugg,ugg australia,uggs,ugg pas cher,ugg soldes,bottes ugg,bottes ugg pas cher, moncler jackets, gucci, louis vuitton,sac louis vuitton,louis vuitton pas cher,sac louis vuitton pas cher,louis vuitton france, doke & gabbana, juicy couture outlet, sac louis vuitton,louis vuitton,louis vuitton pas cher,sac louis vuitton pas cher,louis vuitton france, wedding dresses,wedding dress,dresses for wedding,bride dresses,dresses for weddings,wedding dresses uk,cheap wedding dresses,vintage wedding dresses,monsoon wedding dresses,lace wedding dresses,wedding dresses for older brides,wedding dresses 2014, coach outlet,coach factory,coach factory outlet,coach outlet store,coach outlet store online,coach factory online,coach factory outlet online,coach outlet online, juicy couture, moncler

    ReplyDelete