Author, Actor, Playwright, Excellent Parallel Parker

Rules of the Lake and Ashes to Water are now available for Kindle and Nook!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

In Which I Speak at The GFWC Woman's Club of Tarpon Springs and Introduce the Top Ten Cars That Would Appeal to Women

I love speaking to GFWC Woman's Clubs. Something happens when a Room 'O Women break bread and eat sugar, sans the company of men. I don't know if it's some sort of hormonal symbiosis or what, but inevitably hilarity ensues, and a good time is had by all.

On February 16, I had the good fortune to talk about Florida Fiction with the Woman's Club of Tarpon Springs, FL. I'm particularly indebted to Sherry Patterson who passed my name along to the president, Sherry Orr, who invited me to be their guest speaker. I met the GFWC Florida president, Teddy Hulse, got to sit at the Big Girl table, and was treated to a delicious lunch. Best of all, these gals were a GREAT audience. When I learned that their upcoming conference had the theme of NASCAR, I scrapped my prepared introduction and went with a Top Ten List my sister and I just HAPPENED to compose on our way to the luncheon.

What? You don't compose Top Ten Lists when you drive? Ohhh, it's fun.

My sister drives a Porsche. (This is the same sister who let me borrow me her Miata when I was touring Florida libraries. We like cars.) As we drove along, it occurred to me that car companies would do well to market cars directly to women by appealing to our needs. You may recall some car companies trying this is the past, with varying degrees of success, but I think they went about it the wrong way. You have to NAME the car correctly to get our attention, and then include the appropriate bells and whistles. So with the Woman's Club of Tarpon Springs, I shared my 

Top Ten Cars That Would Appeal to Women
10. The Chevy Coif—comes with vents in the roof so you can drive and dry your hair at the same time.
09. The Nissan Vasectomy—automatically locks out your kids.
08. The Chevy Blonde—comes with an extra passenger side steering wheel.
07. The Dodge Domestic—it’s self-cleaning.
06. The Volkswagen Feminist—the top comes off.
05. The Toyota Tata—comes with high beams only.
04. The Honda Booty—comes with plenty of junk in the trunk.
03. The Pontiac PMS—comes with a gun rack.
02. The Mazda Menopause—runs hot and changes lanes without signaling.
And the number one Car That Would Appeal to Women:
The Ford Hunk—comes with a straight stick and four on the floor.

I banked on these women having a sense of humor, and I guessed right. The number one car had them screaming. In a good way, I mean. Phew. Can you imagine what might have happened if I had guessed wrong?

"Um, excuse me, Miss Ziegler, but if you'd care to go into the restroom and wash your mouth out with soap, we'll wait. Or maybe we won't. We haven't decided."

Not this bunch. Had a Chippendale dancer wandered into the room at that moment, he'd have had his hands full. (As would have they!) Plus, they wore crazy hats! I love crazy hats. They were a generous group, too. Besides being the stellar community volunteers that they are, they were very generous to me, and bought several books. Thank you, Woman's Club of Tarpon Springs.

And I hope none of you are on the lam, because I've just blown your covers. Here's what you look like when you're behaving yourselves:

Best wishes to you and your important work. Have fun at your spring conference! (Somehow, I think you will.)